Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize