seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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