I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
