headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
