I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
whose parrot is this?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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