i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
The feeling are messing with the penis
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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