I hate your face
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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