I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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