Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
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Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
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I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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