as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
