Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
did i walk over a car last night?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
