my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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