having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
