hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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