Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
