I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
