So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
