Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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