how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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