the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
