I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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