I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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