I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
