we have pet lesbian snakes
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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