A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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