dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
