The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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