we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
