just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
