i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
