When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
