found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize