Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Everyone says I win the strip club
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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