Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
God I need to hump something, right now.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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