It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
