Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
should my penis look like a turkey
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
