once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
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I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
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Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize