Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
