I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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