Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
