I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Randomize
