Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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