You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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