theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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