No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
