i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
