Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
