I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
