Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
do nipples grow back?
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