If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
being pregnant is like rehab
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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