the condom got lost in my hair
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
