My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
