Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
