We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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