No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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