Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
