If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
