i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
